GALACTIC NEWS

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Republicans Lose Elephant for Hutt


In a P.R move today the Republican party changed their Logo from the traditional large lumbering elephant to the large and mostly sedentary Hutt. No comment yet on why the change but sources say the party needed a new more imposing icon to strike fear and gain the terror that the the lovable elephant just couldn't anymore. The Hutts are said to have made a tidy profit from selling their image. Leaving us wondering if the democrants will resond. And just who will profit from their logo shopping? The Jawas are letting their intentions known already. Maybe the Evocii. Most think the Ewoks will get the prize being that they are like Democrats, harmless and love trees.

Squid Flu Likely In U.S. This Year

(Coruscant) Officials fear that the deadly squid flu will probably arrive on Coruscant this year, and the Empire says it expects 20,000 to 100,000 cases. "People on Coruscant are not yet at risk", Grand Moff Chertoff said Tuesday, "The Empire has a plan to quarantine and destroy any squid, Mon Calamari, or other creature originating from Mon Calamari found to carry the deadly virus. At this point, if you're a squid, it's a pandemic. If you're a human, or a Twi'lek, or an Ugnaugh it's not a pandemic."

While squid are not naturally found on Coruscant, the natural migration patterns of the Mon Calamari from their homeworld to The Dagobah system and Kamino brings them directly past Coruscant. While no cases of the squid flu have yet been found on Coruscant, the deadly disease has been found throughout Endor and Cato Neimoidia. Officials worry the virus might spread from migratory squid to the nearly 10 billion alien residents of mixed origin on Coruscant.

The deadly bird flu virus is rare in Humans, Ugnaughts, and Grans, but scientists fear it could mutate into a form that could spread rapidly among people and possibly spark a galaxy-wide epidemic. Authorities say cooking kills the virus, and it is safe to eat properly handled and cooked squid. The Empire completed its plan on Monday to test 75,000 to 100,000 wild squid this year. While the test can be done by simply taking a sample of blood, representatives from the Empire claim that they will actually kill the Mon Calamari, as it will help squelch their involvement in a growing rebellion against the Empire. Tests also will be run on 50,000 samples of water and squid droppings.

Monday, March 13, 2006

"Jango & Cash" Tops weekend Box office


(Kaminowood, Outer-rim)

A surprise winner at the box office this weekend was the high-paced, fast action "Jango & Cash". Only one week after the highly politicized Ackbars, it seems as though movie go-ers were after less politically active entertainment. The Action film about two rival bounty-hunters who must team up in order to take down a renegade smuggler brought in nearly thirteen-billion republic credits, as well as 2.5 million wupiupi while attracting a strong 350 million-viewers galaxy-wide.

"Jango & Cash" premiered nearly three weeks ago, but only in select theatres in the republic. This weekend marked the release to all of the planets in the republic, as well as many of the planets beyond the outer rim, as well as those planets not under the control of the Republic, including Tatooine.

Also topping the weekend charts include "The Shaggy Bantha", which brought in a 7.3 billion republic credits, "V for Valorum" with 5.4 billion credits, and "Failure to Launch" which received a higher-than expected 75 republic credits.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Kaminowood celebrates 7,456th annual Ackbars


(Kaminowood, Outer-Rim)

The celebrities were in full regalia for this evenings 7,456th annual Ackbar Awards, and while those of the surprise upset holo-film of "Crash Landing" have much to celebrate this evening, others are dealing with the bitter taste of defeat. Many thought that "Brokeback Kashyyyk" was a sure thing to win the best picture. "Brokeback Kashyyyk" is the controversial tale of two gay wookies who find love on a smuggling trip in the outer rim. "Crash Landing", the interwoven narrative of alienism on Coruscant, was an unexpected winner, despite having won several awards recently leading up to the International Empire Awards.

The full list of awards follows:

Best Motion Picture of the Year
Winner: Crash Landing

Best Performance by an Alien in a Leading Role
Winner: Sy snootles

Best Performance by a Droid in a supporting Role
Winner: k-3Po

Best sensual dance by an imprisoned Twi'lek
Winner: oola

Best documentary
Winner: March of the Jawas