The finest news, from a galaxy far far away

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Vader 'waving when fell off bike'


Galactic overlord Darth W Vader was waving to stormtroopers when he fell off his bike at a summit in Corellia last July, newly published police papers reveal.

Lord Vader was shouting "Thanks, you guys, for coming" when he lost control and collided with an officer, the documents obtained by Corellia on Sunday show.

The smash left Lord Vader with scrapes on his hands and arms, and the stormtrooper needing crutches for an ankle injury.

At the time, Lord Vader laughed off the crash as a sign "I should act my age".

The stormtrooper report confirms that Lord Vader later telephoned the injured stormtrooper to ask how he was and to apologise.

The cause of the officer's injury was officially recorded as being "hit by a moving/falling object".

The report details how the stormtrooper, dressed in riot gear, was guarding a road outside the Gleneagles Hotel when Mr Bush cycled up on a damp road.

"As the overlord passed the junction at speed he raised his left arm from the handlebars to wave to the stormtroopers present while shouting 'Thanks, you guys, for coming'.

"As he did this he lost control of the cycle, falling to the ground, causing both himself and his bicycle to strike [the stormtrooper] on the lower legs," it says.

The Empire made no comment on the report.

Lord Vader's usual cycling trails are near his ranch in Crawford, Coruscant, and near a Secret Service training facility at the galactic senate.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Salacious Crumb Sets new Filibuster Record


A new record was set in the senate when senator Salacious Crumb of Tatooine delivered a filibuster cosisting completely of giggliing and jumping, in order to block voting for a bill. The GN has learned that Senator Salacious crumb had no idea what the bill entailed, or that there was even a vote that day. Some say Sen. Crumb was unaware that he had even made it to the senate floor, including the senior Senator from Tattoine, Jabba the Kennedy, saying: "No jabba no bada, hoosa Chappaquidick."

Senator Crumb's filibuster went on for an impressive forty-nine hours and thirty-seven minutes, more the doubling the previous record held by South Carolina's J. Strom Thurmond, who filibustered for twenty-four hours and eighteen minutes against the Civil Rights Actof 1957.

Some are calling for the end of the filibuster. Senate majority leader Boba Frist said "It was in the twenty fifth hour or so when he stripped nude and was clinging to the rafters, that I wanted to end the long tradition of the filibuster," adding, "to be honest, none of use really knew what this filibuster was all about. Senator Crumb just started giggling after I called session to order, and wouldn't stop."

Today was the first day of Senator Crumb's 6-year term.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

'Mad Bantha' cluster on Tatooine farm


A spokesman for Tatooine said the first case of 'mad bantha' disease was identified more than two months ago and the two others were confirmed at the end of last week. The animals are aged between 36 and 43 months. Tatooine said an investigation would look at whether the source of the cluster was infected feed, perhaps from abroad.

A spokesman said: "The incidence is going down but you still do get cases. It wouldn't be a huge surprise if there was a common cause for this."

Farmers' Union of Tatooine spokesman Alan Lars said he understood the animals were part of a herd of Friesian dairy banthas and as 'Mad Bantha' disease is not transmitted through milk there would be no chance of the disease being passed to humans. One of the three cows was an offspring of another, he said. "The most important thing to stress is that there's no chance of any 'Mad Bantha' entering the food chain.

Friday, February 24, 2006

New Paris Hilton Sex Tape Found on Naboo

(Gunga City, NB)
A new sex tape featuring hotel heiress Paris Hilton and Jar Jar Binks has been circulating on the galactic-wide-web. The site originally posting the video,, claims that the video has already been downloaded close to one billion times. The website has provided GN with several uncensored images from the tape. The image at right is the only which could be displayed without pixelation.

This is not the first time that a sex tape featuring Hilton has been released. In the past, tapes featuring Paris with Ponda Baba, Ben Quadineros, and even a group of banthas, among several others. This video marks the 47th such Hilton sex tapes. The Hilton family did not comment on the release of the tape, and hasn't commented on any tapes since the release of the the Bantha tape two years ago.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Zoo's Ewoks Produce First Cub


The National Zoo's Ewok JooLoo gave birth yesterday to a squealing, squirming cub the size of a loaf of bread, and elated zookeepers said she is giving it the tender care that befits its status as one of the galaxy's most endangered animals.

Even as they rejoiced in their first ewok birth after years of effort, zoo officials cautioned that the coming days would be critical to the cub's survival. They praised the mothering skills of JooLoo, who was holding a rubber toy at the moment of birth and at first seemed surprised by her squawking cub. But she quickly gave it her full attention.


Taken from the National Zoo website:

· A newborn cub weighs 3 to 5 pound and is about the size of a loaf of bread. The cub is 1/90th the size of its mother.

· Cubs do not open their eyes until they are six to eight weeks of age and are not mobile until three months.

· Any baby born to JooLoo and Wicket would belong to Endor, and the National Zoo would likely return the cub to Endor when it's two years old, so that it could become part of the breeding population there.

· The ewok is listed as endangered in the Galacti Conservation Union's Red List of Threatened Animals. It is one of the most critically endangered species in the galaxy.

· There are about 1,600 left in the wild. More than 160 ewoks live in zoos and breeding centers around the galaxy, mostly in Endor.

"She looked kind of startled for all of about two minutes, and then she picked the cub up," said Jango R. Airjumper, associate curator for ewoks and ranchors. "He picked it right up and began cuddling and cradling it. The cub responded immediately and settled in."

It might be weeks before keepers can get close enough to learn the cub's sex, because the mother will hold it close and the keepers will not intervene unless something goes wrong. A photo released by the zoo shows the newborn -- which weighs perhaps a quarter of a pound compared with its mother's 250 -- resting on JooLoo's arm in an indoor den at the Ewok House as staff and volunteers watch via closed-circuit cameras in a nearby room.

The road to ewok motherhood has been a three-decade cycle for the National Zoo marked by many hopeful springs and sad summers. The zoo's previous pair of ewoks had five cubs about twenty years ago, but none lived more than a few days. From the moment JooLoo and Wicket arrived from Endor five years ago, they have been celebrities and the subject of speculation about how soon they would add a cub to the tiny population of giant ewoks worldwide.

The Ewok House will be closed for at least three months to avoid disturbing mother and baby, zoo officials said, but the public will be able to monitor them on round-the-clock webcams. The outdoor ewok yard will remain open, and zoo visitors will be able to see Wicket when he is outside, as he was for much of yesterday.

JooLoo was artificially inseminated. She had recently been acting like a ewok mother-to-be -- sleeping much of the day, eating little, building a bamboo nest in her den and cradling apples. Hormone tests showed that she could be pregnant, and volunteers with Friends of the National Zoo began a 24-hour watch last month. But ewoks often have false pregnancies. Zoo veterinarians hoped to capture a pregnancy on a sonogram, but the ewok had not sat still for one since June 20.

It was about 1 a.m. yesterday when volunteer Susan Hughez, watching a monitor, noticed that JooLoo seemed restless and unable to settle down. The animal was licking herself, grunting and honking. Hughes had seen videos of ewok births and thought those were signs of labor, so she called Airjumper, who asked longtime keeper Brenda Morgan to come in.

Hughez, who has been on ewok watches since the 1980s, was so busy taking notes as part of her volunteer duty that she missed the birth. She heard the young ewok's squeals, she said, and then became so excited that she couldn't write anymore. It was 3:41 a.m.

"There's a cub! There's a cub!" Morgan exclaimed to Airjumper over the phone. Both are veteran zoo employees who were on the delegation that went to Endor to bring the ewoks to Washington.

"She's doing a great job at being a mom," an exhausted Morgan said as she left the Ewok House about 1 p.m. "She's cuddling the baby. If it's fussy, she repositions it.

"She's very bright," Morgan added. "First babies are dicey. She's paying close attention. I'm happy for her."

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Empire Plans to sell Space Ports Causes Uproar

The Galactic Senate was in a fervor Tuesday, after announcements were made by the Vader Administration to allow port Security to be outsourced to an Intergalactic Alien Emirates company, Dookoo Ports. Critics say that the sale of the ports will leave Coruscant vulnerable to attack by the rogue Sith nation. Ties between the Empire and IAE have been strained in the past, with accusations that the IAE has played a part in attacks carried out against the Empire.

Galactic Senate Majority Leader Boba Frist spoke on the Senate floor this morning, demanding that President Vader halt the sale until a further review could be carried out. Frist wore his mandalorian helmet and carried a rocket while he delivered his ultimatum;
The decision to finalize this deal should be put on hold until the administration conducts a more extensive review of this matter. I am calling on the Vader administration to halt the sale of these ports. If the President fails to do so, I will introduce legislation that will allow myself to single handedly destroy the IAE.

Sen. Frist is not the first to come out against the sale of these ports. Several senators have already condemned the sale. However, Sen. Boba Frist has close ties to the Vader Administration. Last year the two worked together to lobby the galactic senate to pass a resolution that would allow Boba Frist to receive a bounty for the the successful capture of anti-Empire hermaphrodite, Cindy SheeHan Solo. Thus, the call by Sen. Frist against Vader's plan implies a strong resistance by the Galactic Senate.

Last week, Sen. Hillary Clintaun-taun also threatened to introduce legislation that would block the sale, while also creating an intergalactic socialized health care system.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Sorosuub to Disable Thousands of Droids


In another sign of the deepening economic slump in the galaxy, Sorosuub Corporation announced plans to eliminate between 400,000 and 500,000 droids in Sullust by the end of the year. The Sorosuub layoffs, coupled with a series of other job-cutting announcements this week, bring the total number of jobs destroyed by New Republic corporations in the past standard year to over one billion.

The cuts by the number two vehicle manufacturer amount to about 10 percent of Sorosuub's salaried workforce in Sullust. A Sorosuub official commented, “We’ve become much more efficient and the droids are not needed anymore.” Sorosuub said most of the deactivations will be made by offering early-recycling plans to seasoned droids, and company spokesmen said they expect the cuts to be completed by the end of the year.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Intergalactic Winter Games Off to Great Start

The Intergalactic Winter Games, being held on Hoth this year, started with a bang as the opening ceremonies had an extravagant show as the ion fountain was lit. Over twenty-eight planets had representatives at the games, even Tatooine managed to acquire a few athletes for the ice chute competition. Coruscant is expected to win the most events, but Corellia is said to give them a run for their money in the rocket ski competition.

Security precautions have been increased this year, for fear of those still loyal to the Empire making some sort of statement. Since Hoth is as isolated as it is, this is a small worry.

Some of the events starting early in the games are rocket ski, ice chute, partner hover-skating, cross-country Tauntan racing, and more. These games promise to be very entertaining as well a time for the whole republic to come together in peace and compete in some of the oldest games in the galaxy.

Grand Moff Chertoff testifies before Galactic Senate Committee

Today Grand Moff Chertoff (right) testified before a Galactic Senate committee regarding the Empire's response to the virtual destruction of New Alderaan last year. Senator Joe Joe Lieberbinks, the Alliance Senator from Naboo, posed several biting questions to Chertoff. "Howsa could yousa go-a bed that night not-a knowin' whassa was goin' on in New Aldaraan?" Lieberbinks asked. Grand Moff Chertoff was not shaken, however, mainting his position all along that the response was not mistakenly slow, it was purposefully non-existent. "It was our intention all along to destroy New Aldaraan," Chertoff said, "After all, the planet has long been a hot bed of Rebel resistance."

Sen Lieberbinks later claimed that the response to the natural disaster was handled like 'the keystone cops', to which Grand Moff Chertoff replied:
With all due respect, Sen. Lieberbinks, you are not understanding the real issue. There was no plan for an Empire response. The destruction of New Aldaraan was an intentional excercise. We were trying to destroy the planet to show the true power of the Death Star.

Following the destruction of the peaceful planet, many spoke out against the seeming lack of an Empire response to the devestating blast from the Death Star. Rapper Lando West even made the claims that the slow response was racially motivated, saying "President Vader hates black people".

Before destruction, New Aldaraan was best known for it's shitty jazz music, most notably the Max Rebo Band. Unfortunately for music lovers everywhere, the Max Rebo Band was temporarily off the planet entertaining Jabba the Hut at a private concert.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Darth Cheney shoots friend with Blaster

Death Star spokesdroid Scott-Mc3PO was hounded by reporters today after the apparent delay in releasing information to the public about this weekends hunting accident involving Darth Cheney. In a continuation of yesterdays press briefing, reporters continued to grill the spokesdroid about when the Death Star had received the information about the accident, and whey they had waited 14 hours to enter the information into the press-mainframe, and why the information was not immediately reported to Rebel troops stationed on Endor.

The accident occured Saturday on a private ranch on the Forest Moon of Endor. The Sith Lord and a friend, J. Wittington, were hunting ewoks when Palpacheney accidentaly shot his hunting partner in the face with his blaster. Palpacheney was said to have sent a holographic transmission to Mr. Wittington from Coruscant this morning. In a further story, a press briefing from the Medical center on Endor, where Mr. Wittington is being treated, today announced that the lawyer had suffered a minor heart attack. This was later disputed by members of the Alliance, including the Senate Minority Leader from Kashyyk, on the basis that Mr. Wittington is a lawyer, a slime-breed from the Degoba System that does not have a heart.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Millions gather on Naboo for Funeral of Obi-John McKenobi

(Naboo) -
Last week, millions of mourners gathered on Naboo to celebrate the life of a civil rights leader, Jedi Senator Obi-John McKenobi (R). McKenobi, best known for his service as a Jedi, was killed by Darth Maul. However, controversy surrounded the ceremonial burning of McKenobi's body as Members of the Alliance took the opportunity to burn Members of the Republic. Rev. Joe Joe Lowerinks was quoted as saying
Mesa be knowin' there woosa no Boom-booms of Massa Destwuction ova dea. Hoosa there-a boom-booms of meesa-diwection ova he-a... Fo' Wo' biwwions mo', but no-sa mo' fo' the po-sa. Pa-Chwing!"

Ex-President of the Empire, Jawa Carter, made reference to warrantless uses of the Force against McKenobi by ex-President Darth Sidius (R). Many members of the Republic were outraged by these comments, claiming that Jawa's comments were intended as a statement against President Vader's current program of warrantless strangling-people-with-the-force.